How we train people to ignore our needs.

Living this way left me lonely and exhausted.

One day, I asked a friend to come with me to my father’s grave. Her reply was vague, and I felt betrayed. I pushed that pain into a far corner of my mind and told myself, No one wants to share my grief.
That belief made me feel unbearably sad and deeply alone.

Looking back, a few things stand out:

• I asked my friend over text, and I probably wasn’t clear that what I needed was for her to hold space for me.

• I never communicated how important this request really was to me.

• And most of all—I stopped at one person.

That version of me didn’t yet know how to recognize her feelings and needs. I was in a very dark place.
It took years of healing before I could create life that feels full of joy and pleasure.

If I could send that version of me a loving message, it would be this:

• If it hurts, it means there’s a need unmet or a feeling unexpressed.

• You need safe space to process your emotions, and you need safe people who can hold that space for you.

• Humans have only survived as a species because we had each other. We need people. We need our pack.

Finding the right people may take time. You might have to look outside your usual circles. But finding them isn’t optional—it’s essential.

And once you know what you need, say yes to yourself first before asking anyone else.
You have to believe in the legitimacy of your ask before you share it.

Too often, women tell themselves “no” before anyone else does. That energy leaks into the request and leaves others confused or hesitant to help.

When you do ask, let the person know how important it is to you. If they understand the weight of it, they’re far more likely to say yes—or to offer another genuine way they can support you.

And if the first person doesn’t show up—don’t stop there. Keep asking. Keep looking. There are eight billion people on this planet. Support is out there. There are people who will be there for you.

If we don’t express our needs, they’re unlikely to be met.
We often expect others to “read between the lines,” but let’s be honest—they’re usually terrible at it.

The truth is, most people around you actually want to help. People want to collaborate, to be useful.

But if we don’t let them in on what we need, we miss opportunities for real connection—and for building a life where we feel safe, supported, and deeply cared for.

Philosophical Principles of Cognitive Hypnotherapy

© Copyright by Lola Chikivchuk, 2025